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One last time

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    It seems that the impact was too much, and the brain could not analyze the connection between "self-mutilation" and "Shen Yishu", so it went into a downtime.  He just stared at her wound without blinking.

    Not to mention cutting the skin with a knife himself, even if she was burned by the oil droplets splashed while cooking, he would feel distressed and wanted her to stay away from the fumes completely and never step into the kitchen again.

    Does it hurt?  How could it not hurt?  How much courage does it take to suppress the instinct to ask for help and point the blade at yourself?

    Remembering that Shen Yishu had cut her hand just now, Zheng Zeyun put down her sleeve and held the bleeding index finger in her mouth. The salty smell spread on her tongue. When she felt that the blood had stopped, she turned off the fire on the stove and took her to the living room.  bandage.  Shen Yishu has a first aid kit in the studio, with no shortage of band-aids, gauze and other hemostatic tools, but cuts on his arms may require going to the hospital or finding a clinic for treatment.

    "The wound is not deep, it's just a broken surface of skin. I applied medicine and it will heal on its own in a few days." Shen Yishu said. Just now, when Zheng Zeyun stared at the wound on her arm, the feeling surged up.  The feeling of shame is not much different from being stripped naked and paraded through the streets.  She pulled her hand away from him and hid it behind her back, as if doing so would dispel the feeling of shame.

    "Does it hurt?"

    "What?"

    Shen Yishu had never seen such a complicated expression on Zheng Zeyun's face. He looked sad, angry, and scared. His lips were slightly open and trembling so much that he could hardly speak.

    "Are you living with this pain for a long time that I don't know about?"

    "No, it's not." Shen Yishu lowered his eyes and defended himself in a slow voice that was fainter than a lonely candlelight, "I can't roughly classify pain into the category of bad, worse than  I feel physical pain, here¡ª"

    She pointed at her head and caught his sad and frightened gaze: "The most unbearable thing is not being able to stop doubting and questioning yourself."

    The hardest thing for people to defeat is themselves, and the hardest thing to recognize is themselves. In the process of transforming negative emotions into mental illness, the endless tug of war with the self plays the most important role.  Shen Yishu understood this early, but he felt even more powerless and could only hope that the two selves in his heart could reach a delicate balance.  After unremitting efforts and attempts, she seemed to have achieved this goal, even if she just used cards to build a shaky poker bridge on the hairspring, until the news came that Kim Jong-hyun committed suicide by burning charcoal.

    The kind brother who always showed a warm face turned out to be in a deep river of depression. If a person is unwilling to expose himself, then no one can touch the true heart.  All-pervasive doubts are like a Category 10 hurricane overturning a paper bridge. From the time you open your eyes in the morning to the time you close your eyes and fall asleep at night, there is a self questioning you loudly at every moment: Is the happiness you have now real?  Can two depressed patients hug each other for warmth?  Is the person who said goodbye to you with a smile gritting his teeth and enduring the pain at the moment?  Can a person as cold and self-centered as you really make people happy?  You may be Truman, a brain in a vat, a human being imprisoned in the matrix who still thinks you are free. Can you still firmly believe in your current happiness?

    Of course, Shen Yishu doesn't want to admit that she has no ability to bring happiness to people. This is tantamount to denying her value as Shen Yishu and euphy, but doubts make her think about this possibility frequently.  Who doesn't have a few masks with them outside society? Self-esteem and shame are at play, and they don't want others to show their vulnerability. Even when they are about to be swallowed up by the dark tide, they can still talk, eat, and perform as if nothing has happened. If she is like this, can he?  Is not it?  Being both male and older, they will only be more tolerant.

    Even though this was just a guess with a probability close to 0, Shen Yishu still felt sad. The fact that the person she loved might not be happy weighed heavily on her heart, and she wanted to prevent herself from sliding into the abyss where she would never see the light of day.  Can take help of medicine.  If the original dose cannot take effect quickly, then add more medicine. If one dose is not enough, double it. However, the side effects of overdose inevitably affect her job as an idol. Mild stimulation no longer works, so she has to take the extreme step of self-mutilation.  method.  It just so happened that Cody gave me an eyebrow trimming knife. It was small, but sharp enough, easy to carry and hide. It was limited in size and would not really cut the artery, which was enough to ensure my life was safe.

    The first time was in the bathroom backstage at MBC. Shen Yishu hid in the cubicle, rolled up his sleeves, let the blade of the knife slowly touch the skin, and made a two to three centimeter gash on the surface texture, followed by small strings of blood beads.  Struggling to seep out of the cracks.  Shen Yishu felt dizzy and cold at the same time, feeling a burning pain. Her connection with the outside world that had been blocked by the pills seemed to be back at this moment.

    Intellectually, Shen Yishu knows very well that this is not advisable. Many things are addictive, such as tobacco, coffee, and milk tea, which are harmful toThe essence of doing this at one's own expense is to drink poison to quench thirst and repeatedly jump on the edge of danger.  After being obsessed with this kind of pain mixed with blood and swelling, she will crave more and stronger stimulation. Obviously, she doesn't know where this final boundary is. Once she accidentally crosses it, she can never look back.

    But as long as the activity is over, it will be fine. She will only do this during this activity. Shen Yishu thought so, so he made a wound to bleed while applying alcohol and anti-inflammatory drugs to it. In the process, he relied on labor pain to continuously gain energy.  Stimulate.  Ha, even thinking about it myself feels contradictory and ridiculous.

    If he hadn't been able to fool him today, Shen Yishu would have taken this matter to his grave. Now that he was found to have self-mutilated, he felt a sense of revenge rising in his chest.  Really, why did you become so sensitive at that moment?  Do you have to be frightened by my evil deeds to be happy?

    "I'm sorry, I didn't know you thought that." He spoke with difficulty. Zheng Zeyun couldn't find a word to describe his mood at the moment. This was the first time that Shen Yishu had completely exposed his dark side, which had a huge impact on him.  It's not something that can be said clearly in just one or two sentences, "It's because I care too little about you. It would be great if I wasn't involved in worries. If you can't come to me, then I'll go see you. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."  I'm sorry"

    Shen Yishu leaned forward and hugged his lover: "Don't apologize to me. I should say sorry for scaring you, but I seem to have messed up again You are obviously the same person as me, but I didn't  I can be your safe haven, I have been asking for you and asking you to worry about me, when I should have made you happy."

    "Don't think like that. I'm already very happy just by having you by my side. Really." I felt a pair of hands exerting pressure on my waist. The force was so strong that it seemed like he was going to be pulled into my body. "How can a person do that?"  Is there too much to ask for from the stars that fall into the palm of your hand?¡±

    After hearing this, Shen Yishu's body stiffened for a moment, and his heart couldn't stop falling. But in the end, he didn't defend himself. He just smiled again and issued an ambiguous urging: "Don't think about being unhappy. Brother, just give me a hug."  Okay? Okay?"-

    The price of a night of debauchery was to sleep until almost noon. Zheng Zeyun opened his eyes and found that there was no one beside him. He was so shocked that he immediately sat up. Hearing the sound in the bedroom, Shen Yishu stopped what he was doing and went into the house: "  Are you awake? Then go take a shower and come out to eat. I have something to tell you."

    Zheng Zeyun breathed a sigh of relief at the feeling of regaining something. Shen Yishu's enthusiastic performance made him smell a little bit unusual. I hope it's not something bad.

    Lunch was the black pepper beef fillet pasta and boiled red wine that I couldn't eat yesterday. Shen Yishu's cooking skills were always good, but seeing her twisting the pasta with a fork but basically not feeding it into her mouth, it seemed that her worries had affected her appetite.

    "Why don't you eat? Aren't you hungry?" Zheng Zeyun asked.

    "I woke up at ten o'clock and ate a sandwich. I'm not hungry yet." Shen Yishu nodded in response, "Have you finished eating?"

    "I've eaten."

    Shen Yishu let out a low sigh, then smiled again and said, "I have thought about it seriously. My current state is not suitable for dating, so let's just call it a day."

    ¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù¡ù

    Shen Shu: We¡¯ve decided to break up, but we still haven¡¯t forgotten to create beautiful memories. I¡¯m such a great girlfriend.

    Old Zheng:?  ?  ?  ?  ?

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